L.I.G. (Let It Go)

So....

It's no secret that I remain friends with a lot of my exes. Well recently an ex of mine reached out to me pertaining to his dilemma that he is having with his current wife. As a friend I lent him my ear. Now first let me say this.... The things this man has told me would make any man run for the hills and be ready to put hands to this woman... I want to share some basic obvious rules in a relationship that you just don't do:
Rule #1 Never question your mans manhood.... That is something you don't do. You don't belittle your man and make him feel like less of a man.
Rule #2 You don't constantly accuse a man of cheating... That is a huge no no. Guess what you keep accusing him of cheating he will eventually go and cheat.
Rule #3 Don't show your insecurities by hacking into their Facebook, Twitter, and any other social media accounts going through their inbox and checking messages. You're not doing anything but make yourself look crazy and insane....
Now.... This is the main rule that led to this posting....
Rule #4 Never... I mean NEVER EVER.... Contact or confront a 3rd party about whatever it is you "assume" is going on.

The reason why I am posting the rules first is because as a woman I know the pain, heart ache, and motions a man can take you through.... But I most importantly know the drama queens and how they roll... This female is just that a drama queen. The whole time I have been chatting with my homie he goes in about her and the things he "tolerates" from her because he knew who she was when they met years ago. He said he wrote his demands in the sand. "Shai when we got back together, we went to counseling and I swear before I proposed she was like a better woman."... What happened.... Its what my mama like to call the "bait and switch"... She got him convinced cray cray was on a bus headed to nowhere when really cray cray had skipped the bus and hid in the attic. Case in point... The night of the wedding... This Po lil tink tink decided that my homie was sleeping with.... I hope your sitting down for this.... His cousin... Yes I said cousin. Now it sounds far fetched I know but I had my own personal experience with this "female"... Several years ago I injured my back. My homie reached out and even came to help me with my boys. Now as I listed in Rule #3... She hacked into his Facebook account and got my phone number. She called me and proceeded to yell about how my boy is a liar, a cheater, a deceiver, heat breaker, and I don't want you back in my life so I taking.... whoa whoa wait...(My bad but that was my song). Accuse him of all sorts of things. I told her then that we were only friends and nothing was going on. I told him to get his females in check and keep them off of my phone.

So why is he back with her...

Well a wise man once told me that crazy chicks have the best vajayjay. So that could of been the reason... Or maybe he did believe she had changed.... Maybe he felt he was at that age which it was time to get married and he looked around and cray cray was there.... Whatever the reason is... He married her. They're together... And he is miserable.

Wonder how long they've been married... Less than a year.... lol. Yep. Couldn't even make it through the "honeymoon" phase before all haities broke lose. Now I'm certain by now you are wondering why I am writing about this.... Well yesterday she crossed a line with me. I have been friends with this gentleman for 10+ years. He reached out to confide in me some "recent" develops which I won't say but (lets just say things have gotten worse) recently I contacted him for some advice and have a friendly ear. We chatted he gave me my advice and I kept it moving. I'm guessing she was doing her inspection of his inbox and decided that she was going to add me on Facebook and comment on a positive post so negatively. See below ( I removed the  names to protect those not involved)

Now... After this post a conversation via my inbox.... FROM HIS PAGE MIGHT I ADD. Once I messaged her my final statements.... Guess what y'all.... SHE TEXT ME!!!! Yep tink tink must of got my NEW number out of my home boy's phone and proceeded to text me about how "grown" she is and a whole slew of none sense. I was heated about her invading my page but I had to reference the good book, Matthew 5:44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
I had to remember that I must pray for her. With each message and each stroke I said a silent prayer... #1 That I remain the saved sistah that I am and #2 that she realizes that I'm not the enemy. You see the conversations myself and her "husband" had at the end of them I would ask him "how are you going to make it work. I mean you married her for a reason. Find that reason and remind yourself of it everyday." With every conversation ESPECIALLY WHEN HER FATHER DIED I asked how she was doing and how are they doing. That I was praying for her and her family as well as their relationship/marriage. As a "sistah" I tried to take the "sistahs united" front, keep your home happy and fix your marriage.

But en light of yesterday that mindset changed. You see the stories that my boy told me I didn't truly want to believe about her, until yesterday. Women allow their own insecurities cloud their judgement. Which is possibly the reason why so many men cheat or even leave their homes. For so long women blame men for the way they act but in all actuality you need to take responsibility for self. If a man hurt you take it as a lesson and look for the signs. Don't continuously punish the next man, or the current, or those around them because you will wind up alone and bitter... Did I mention alone.

Long Time No Entry...

Well so many things have changed in a year.... Yeah I know its been a year since my last blog posting. For that I apologize. But the most important thing is my growth in God. No this is not about to be a religious posting but a REALigious posting. Its true you get knocked down and the Lord will pick you up. I am definitely proof of this. I sit back and think about the victim I was the past 365 days. How I prayed to him and didn't hold faith. The tears I shed and the heartbreak I felt. I have given trust to those who weren't to be trusted. I believed that my life's experiences have led me to be smart about my decisions and whom I shall let around me. But I was wrong, a sad mistake because in life everyone has a motive. Whether it is good or bad.

I have been violated and are dealing with my demons that I have been running from for so long. I also have been helping others deal with theirs.  I wise woman once said "getting advice from someone who has never went through or experienced the things in life you have, is like a dog asking a bird how to clean themselves... Its painful and so wrong". So as much as I love some of my friends and family when I hear their opinions or advice I truly am not listening.  A woman without kids can't educate me on how to raise mine. A single woman can't educate me on how to keep my man. A umemployed moocher can not educate me on how to keep my job. No this doesn't mean that I don't respect our relationships or their opinions and none of those titles used were to anyone in particular but from my experiences I have learned that people don't take responsibility for their part in why something isn't working in their life. They blame everyone else. which means they aren't honest with themselves so why take advice from them? Most of the time the advice is coming from a vindictive cortex. Not intentionally, but subconsciously.  In life you have to worry about yourself. Make the choices that make you happy, a better person, and a better child of God. Because others will put their opinion in the stamp of what they feel you should do with your life, and your life has nothing to do with theirs. The Lord holds your destiny... Your friends and family are just a long for the ride.

 I am working on being a better me. Loving hard and fighting less, because my battles aren't mine.

Yep It Never Ends

Have you ever been sitting somewhere and in walks a memory from your past.... Or a past life that reminds you of where you have been and where you were wanting to go back then. Then you sit back and think about whether or not your goal was achieved. For me, on this day, my friendly reminder was St. Louis' own Chingy....

I remember my radio days my ambition was to be a DJ and on air personality (shocking I know). Doing remotes and being in the club I changed that over to owning a night club... Which I achieved at a early age due to my uncle having the exact same vision of what he wanted at the time. Don't get me wrong I loved having my very own club even with it being in E. St. Louis... I have some truly awesome memories from it. I loved being the place that everyone wanted to be on the weekend. Until my uncle got greedy and let the wrong promoters in the building. Which was my sign and que to leave. With my knowledge and almost 10 years, yeah I said 10 YEARS of experience in the "entertainment" realm I believe I can be VERY successful and phenomenal club owner...

Then came being a Lifestyle Columnist and Critic for Delux Magazine. Which I loved and earned from writing this blog I might add. But that was short lived.

I paused my life to be a better mother to my children having a hard time managing my businesses as well as being a mother, I can admitt this. But now its time to move forward both of my boys are of school age now and have family that love them enough to help take care.

So... What is my next move?

I AM GOING BACK TO SCHOOL!!!!!!

Yep thats right here I come late nights and early mornings and I don't mean the Marsha Ambrosius version either... The Lord gave me the experience now its time to get the book intelligence together. Appropriate and proper procedures and protocals of business... Some feel that this is something I don't need because I may know whats in the books but in the end.... Yeah I do.

I recently lost a friend who lost his battle with a teminal illness. He never let that illness slow him down nor stop him from doing what he wanted. People didn't even know he was sick. Heck I didn't even know he was sick. He achieved almost all of his goals in his 31 years and smiled through his pain. He was ambitious and didn't use his illness as a crutch. Those that respected him or loved him, love and respected him even more after finding out he survived all of these years. He touched so many lives and left an awesome legacy. R.I.P Reshod

In a celebrity interview for Delux I asked a gentleman "what do you want to be remembered for"... He didn't say anything about his accomplishments, the celebrities he has worked with, or the amount of money he made. He told me he wants those to know that he was a good man and he was a man of his word. "Your word can go a long way, only if you back it up with action. As a boy my grandfather told me as a man all you have is your word." Those words struck a cord with me. Because my stepfather told me the same thing.

So thank you Chingy, Reshod, and Corey Shapiro for being my motivators I geniunely appreciate it...

Watch me work

Everlasting Time

Its amazing... Life.

They say time heals all wounds and some love is everlasting. Really who comes up with this crap. My mother who fell madly in love for a man almost 20 years ago still holds a huge chunk of her heart. Yes she is happily married to someone else but even he knows the extent of the love they (my mom & 1st stepdad) share. Every time they are around each other everyone feels it. Its like a inside joke that only the 2 of them know. Now both are married to others that I believe they love but not whole heartedly. Why because this other person has a piece of their heart.
They say your suppose to evolve and grow from life's experiences. "Learn to move on" my dad (current, weird sounding I know) said, "best way to get over is to get under." Sorry, I'm knew to this love thing and maybe I'm wrong in thinking this but I swore when you love something you should never let it go. I mean especially if that love or the one you love isn't toxic. Like abusive or frigid. I was the queen of getting over by getting under but I have grown tired of that. Especially the "next" feeling. Most of the guys I have dealt with we are good friends now. Some have hurt me tremendously and the few that I know I had a bond with I couldn't be their friend because of the mild resentment I have for them, heck I wouldn't spit on them or they mama if they was on fire.
Have you ever thought to yourself that you just aren't the marrying type. Like you are here to learn a lesson but not have a mate. There are like 7 women for every man on the earth. So who is the lucky 1 that lands him and the other 6 wind up alone with an animal that you're allergic to.
I have some guy friends that I like to call serial boyfriends meaning they can't be without a girlfriend, eventhough they don't stay in these relationships long but they treat the girlfriend as if she is the future Mrs. Being a single mother in this world doesn't help. I work and huSTLe trying to provide for me and mine. I'm so ready for my husband and mate. I continue to pray but until then... I'm going to try to let time heal my wound and let go of the love I believed was everlasting.

Precious Heartbreak, Heather's Story

1983
You, Heather Jelon Clark was born, my cousin, my best friend... Shortly to follow I came into this world. We grew up thick as thieves and because we were so close in age we bumped heads a lot. Its amazing what you remember when you lose someone you love. Someone that you made a promise to that no matter what happens we'll always be there for one another. Not sure what happened between us during our teenage years but we lost touch and became separated. You did your thing and I did mine. Even though you didn't live your life the best way, you did what you had to provide for your kids.

2006
You came to me needing a place to stay. Reminding me of the promise we made to each other so many years ago. Of course I am here for you and you're my family, I opened up my home. I remember a conversation we had one night and you said "I'm not going to be alone, I need someone in my life and I'm going to be without a man". Of course the logical person in me said that you need to focus on self and get yourself out of the rut that you're in and then think about a man. Not sure if you thought I was preaching but you got upset and moved out a week or so later.

2007
You became sick this year. This is the year the doctors called me, because I was your emergency contact and told me that you have leukemia & epilepsy. Your mom was by your side most of the year as was I. Doctor's visits and radiation treatments consumed us this year. Finally it became too much and you were checked into a care facility where you can receive 24 hour care. But you kept getting worse. I finally took you to a specialist and it was deemed you had HIV not leukemia or epilepsy and due to the radiation therapies you are in the acute stage of AIDS. You lost so much weight and got so many infections and was in so much pain. They couldn't do anything to save you or fix it. I began to believe that my being a hospice nurse was for you. To be there for you when they took you off of the medications and only gave you morphine for the pain. Everyday I sat by your side on the 13th floor in Barnes. Everyday I was there with you. Bringing our family and friends to visit. Until the day you said to me "I've made my peace and the Lord has forgiven me. I love you Shamelia". I knew I just knew it was your time to go and he was calling you home. We lost you that fall and I felt precious heartbreak.


2011
Every year I celebrate your birthday with your favorite meals whether its Red Lobster or my Fried Chicken, Southern Mac & Cheese, and Corn Bread. Happy 28th Birthday cousin I love you so much.

You never know when someone you love will lose their life. My cousin lost hers while in the search for love in all the wrong places... Chat lines and in the streets. She leaves behind a beautiful son & daughter that look just like her and has her personality. AIDS is real and is in our city. The person who gave it to her I'm sure has given it to someone else. Wrap it up and be safe because sometimes looking for something you feel you need can change your life forever.

Ex Factor?

After my last 2 postings "Struggle" & "Struggle Part Duex" I had to take some time to gather my thoughts especially with being single on Valentine's Day yet again. I had a nice V-Day though with my bestie and mini. Lately an ex from way back, I mean waaaaaay back in the day has popped up. One thing about coming across someone who you haven't seen in so many years is that you know how much you have grown since being with them. How different you are now than when you to were together. When we met I was a youngin' like 19 and he was of course older. Back then I was on a have fun basis. Like any and every relationships we had our ups and downs. But  I was about fun and excitement back then. I also was about business and a relationship didn't fit into the picture. I also have had contact with another ex that knew me back then as well.

Oh have I grown, lol. Now I can't wake up without thinking about a relationship and how I am ready to be in a relationship, settle down, and be a caker. One thing they have showed me is how I have grown as a person. Turned into the woman that I am now, its amazing. I had a thrill for motorcycles and late nights. Now my life consists of the highlight of my week is the latest reality show and Grey's Anatomy. Going out and getting out of the house is like a vacation. My days are full of spills, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and sing-a-longs. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade it for the world. Is it the age and getting older?

I talk to my friends and more than half of them are in relationships or married or getting ready to be married. Some are calling me for mommy advice because either have just had a baby or are about to. If I go out it has to be worth it or I feel like its not worth my time. Before I worked and have fun. now I work and work. Fun is next to nill right now. I need to get that back. Its amazing it takes talking to exes to remind me of that. I'm single and need to get out and meet other singles. That don't have an issue with kids (because I have 2), staying at home on a Saturday night and watch a good movie, ocassionally go out and have a good time at a local lounge. Don't get me wrong I still go out (sometimes), just not all of the time.

Struggle Part Duex

I have learned over my years of life and the many faces I've came across that I'm not alone in some of the experiences that I have had. One in particular that seems to stand out is rape and molestation. Yes its a VERY touchy subject that a lot of people refuse to share due feeling overly exposed. I feel that it should be shared and discuss. 80% of rapes are done by someone that the person who has been violated knows. 30% of those rapes are NEVER reported out of fear that the person who violated them will harm them again. 25% of those non reported occurrences are done by a relative.

When I was 3, I was placed into foster care for a brief moment... At the age of 3 I experienced my first molestation/rape by my foster parents. I remember I had to sleep in their room and couldn't leave. I was 1 of several kids that they had but I always slept in their room. When my mom got me back she took me to the doctor because I refused to let her wipe me or even touch me. She said every time she got close I'd push her away. She didn't find out until later that I had been molested and back then the birth mother couldn't find out who had a child because of any possible future incidents. So she wasn't able to press charges of any sorts and I had to just live with what happened to me. The doctors thought it would become a "suppressed memory" and I wouldn't remember when I got older.... But as you can see they were wrong.

That was the first of many incidents in which I was violated. Some came from relatives others was by family friends. This happens to so many women every day. I remember last year when For Colored Girls came out it was the talk of everyone I know. The of rape, molestations, and acts against women. It upset me a little because why did it have to take a black man to show what really happens to a woman? My belief is women are scared to fully let their voices be heard.  Heck people in general are scared to let their voices be heard and the real them to show. Our society is messed up now because everyone continues to have their heads in the sand. The youth today has endured the same struggles but are lashing out in a different way. I did what I had to make me feel better and for me was to focus on studies and get good grades. When I was at school it was like an escape for me. Even though I got talked about and picked on I was able to spend 6-7 hours learning and feeling okay about myself. I wanted to be an over achiever while remaining under the radar.

Its amazing when I look back at the experiences that I've had I haven't wound up worse. Suicide, alcoholism, drug-addict, prostitution anything of that nature is evident in women that have endured the struggles that I have. I have managed to over come and still move on. In our society its not an issue until a celebrity points it out. Well I'm not a celebrity, and its an issue that I'm pointing out.

I'm not writing these passages for sympathy of any kind. I'm writing these not only to show why I'm so complex as an individual and because I know there are many other women or men for that matter that have overcame the same issues as I have. To let them know they aren't alone. For those of you that may feel the need to judge me... Save it. I live and have lived my life the way I choose and don't care for your negative  comments or issues you may have.

This is the second of several passages to come... I am me. This is me.
*Shai*