L.I.G. (Let It Go)

So....

It's no secret that I remain friends with a lot of my exes. Well recently an ex of mine reached out to me pertaining to his dilemma that he is having with his current wife. As a friend I lent him my ear. Now first let me say this.... The things this man has told me would make any man run for the hills and be ready to put hands to this woman... I want to share some basic obvious rules in a relationship that you just don't do:
Rule #1 Never question your mans manhood.... That is something you don't do. You don't belittle your man and make him feel like less of a man.
Rule #2 You don't constantly accuse a man of cheating... That is a huge no no. Guess what you keep accusing him of cheating he will eventually go and cheat.
Rule #3 Don't show your insecurities by hacking into their Facebook, Twitter, and any other social media accounts going through their inbox and checking messages. You're not doing anything but make yourself look crazy and insane....
Now.... This is the main rule that led to this posting....
Rule #4 Never... I mean NEVER EVER.... Contact or confront a 3rd party about whatever it is you "assume" is going on.

The reason why I am posting the rules first is because as a woman I know the pain, heart ache, and motions a man can take you through.... But I most importantly know the drama queens and how they roll... This female is just that a drama queen. The whole time I have been chatting with my homie he goes in about her and the things he "tolerates" from her because he knew who she was when they met years ago. He said he wrote his demands in the sand. "Shai when we got back together, we went to counseling and I swear before I proposed she was like a better woman."... What happened.... Its what my mama like to call the "bait and switch"... She got him convinced cray cray was on a bus headed to nowhere when really cray cray had skipped the bus and hid in the attic. Case in point... The night of the wedding... This Po lil tink tink decided that my homie was sleeping with.... I hope your sitting down for this.... His cousin... Yes I said cousin. Now it sounds far fetched I know but I had my own personal experience with this "female"... Several years ago I injured my back. My homie reached out and even came to help me with my boys. Now as I listed in Rule #3... She hacked into his Facebook account and got my phone number. She called me and proceeded to yell about how my boy is a liar, a cheater, a deceiver, heat breaker, and I don't want you back in my life so I taking.... whoa whoa wait...(My bad but that was my song). Accuse him of all sorts of things. I told her then that we were only friends and nothing was going on. I told him to get his females in check and keep them off of my phone.

So why is he back with her...

Well a wise man once told me that crazy chicks have the best vajayjay. So that could of been the reason... Or maybe he did believe she had changed.... Maybe he felt he was at that age which it was time to get married and he looked around and cray cray was there.... Whatever the reason is... He married her. They're together... And he is miserable.

Wonder how long they've been married... Less than a year.... lol. Yep. Couldn't even make it through the "honeymoon" phase before all haities broke lose. Now I'm certain by now you are wondering why I am writing about this.... Well yesterday she crossed a line with me. I have been friends with this gentleman for 10+ years. He reached out to confide in me some "recent" develops which I won't say but (lets just say things have gotten worse) recently I contacted him for some advice and have a friendly ear. We chatted he gave me my advice and I kept it moving. I'm guessing she was doing her inspection of his inbox and decided that she was going to add me on Facebook and comment on a positive post so negatively. See below ( I removed the  names to protect those not involved)

Now... After this post a conversation via my inbox.... FROM HIS PAGE MIGHT I ADD. Once I messaged her my final statements.... Guess what y'all.... SHE TEXT ME!!!! Yep tink tink must of got my NEW number out of my home boy's phone and proceeded to text me about how "grown" she is and a whole slew of none sense. I was heated about her invading my page but I had to reference the good book, Matthew 5:44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
I had to remember that I must pray for her. With each message and each stroke I said a silent prayer... #1 That I remain the saved sistah that I am and #2 that she realizes that I'm not the enemy. You see the conversations myself and her "husband" had at the end of them I would ask him "how are you going to make it work. I mean you married her for a reason. Find that reason and remind yourself of it everyday." With every conversation ESPECIALLY WHEN HER FATHER DIED I asked how she was doing and how are they doing. That I was praying for her and her family as well as their relationship/marriage. As a "sistah" I tried to take the "sistahs united" front, keep your home happy and fix your marriage.

But en light of yesterday that mindset changed. You see the stories that my boy told me I didn't truly want to believe about her, until yesterday. Women allow their own insecurities cloud their judgement. Which is possibly the reason why so many men cheat or even leave their homes. For so long women blame men for the way they act but in all actuality you need to take responsibility for self. If a man hurt you take it as a lesson and look for the signs. Don't continuously punish the next man, or the current, or those around them because you will wind up alone and bitter... Did I mention alone.

Everlasting Time

Its amazing... Life.

They say time heals all wounds and some love is everlasting. Really who comes up with this crap. My mother who fell madly in love for a man almost 20 years ago still holds a huge chunk of her heart. Yes she is happily married to someone else but even he knows the extent of the love they (my mom & 1st stepdad) share. Every time they are around each other everyone feels it. Its like a inside joke that only the 2 of them know. Now both are married to others that I believe they love but not whole heartedly. Why because this other person has a piece of their heart.
They say your suppose to evolve and grow from life's experiences. "Learn to move on" my dad (current, weird sounding I know) said, "best way to get over is to get under." Sorry, I'm knew to this love thing and maybe I'm wrong in thinking this but I swore when you love something you should never let it go. I mean especially if that love or the one you love isn't toxic. Like abusive or frigid. I was the queen of getting over by getting under but I have grown tired of that. Especially the "next" feeling. Most of the guys I have dealt with we are good friends now. Some have hurt me tremendously and the few that I know I had a bond with I couldn't be their friend because of the mild resentment I have for them, heck I wouldn't spit on them or they mama if they was on fire.
Have you ever thought to yourself that you just aren't the marrying type. Like you are here to learn a lesson but not have a mate. There are like 7 women for every man on the earth. So who is the lucky 1 that lands him and the other 6 wind up alone with an animal that you're allergic to.
I have some guy friends that I like to call serial boyfriends meaning they can't be without a girlfriend, eventhough they don't stay in these relationships long but they treat the girlfriend as if she is the future Mrs. Being a single mother in this world doesn't help. I work and huSTLe trying to provide for me and mine. I'm so ready for my husband and mate. I continue to pray but until then... I'm going to try to let time heal my wound and let go of the love I believed was everlasting.

Precious Heartbreak, Heather's Story

1983
You, Heather Jelon Clark was born, my cousin, my best friend... Shortly to follow I came into this world. We grew up thick as thieves and because we were so close in age we bumped heads a lot. Its amazing what you remember when you lose someone you love. Someone that you made a promise to that no matter what happens we'll always be there for one another. Not sure what happened between us during our teenage years but we lost touch and became separated. You did your thing and I did mine. Even though you didn't live your life the best way, you did what you had to provide for your kids.

2006
You came to me needing a place to stay. Reminding me of the promise we made to each other so many years ago. Of course I am here for you and you're my family, I opened up my home. I remember a conversation we had one night and you said "I'm not going to be alone, I need someone in my life and I'm going to be without a man". Of course the logical person in me said that you need to focus on self and get yourself out of the rut that you're in and then think about a man. Not sure if you thought I was preaching but you got upset and moved out a week or so later.

2007
You became sick this year. This is the year the doctors called me, because I was your emergency contact and told me that you have leukemia & epilepsy. Your mom was by your side most of the year as was I. Doctor's visits and radiation treatments consumed us this year. Finally it became too much and you were checked into a care facility where you can receive 24 hour care. But you kept getting worse. I finally took you to a specialist and it was deemed you had HIV not leukemia or epilepsy and due to the radiation therapies you are in the acute stage of AIDS. You lost so much weight and got so many infections and was in so much pain. They couldn't do anything to save you or fix it. I began to believe that my being a hospice nurse was for you. To be there for you when they took you off of the medications and only gave you morphine for the pain. Everyday I sat by your side on the 13th floor in Barnes. Everyday I was there with you. Bringing our family and friends to visit. Until the day you said to me "I've made my peace and the Lord has forgiven me. I love you Shamelia". I knew I just knew it was your time to go and he was calling you home. We lost you that fall and I felt precious heartbreak.


2011
Every year I celebrate your birthday with your favorite meals whether its Red Lobster or my Fried Chicken, Southern Mac & Cheese, and Corn Bread. Happy 28th Birthday cousin I love you so much.

You never know when someone you love will lose their life. My cousin lost hers while in the search for love in all the wrong places... Chat lines and in the streets. She leaves behind a beautiful son & daughter that look just like her and has her personality. AIDS is real and is in our city. The person who gave it to her I'm sure has given it to someone else. Wrap it up and be safe because sometimes looking for something you feel you need can change your life forever.

Stress Free Friday Night + Recess = Relationship?

Friday I went out and caught up with some old friends. It was nice to "social" mingle on a Friday night.3 events in 1 it was a little bit overwhelming... Too much going on in 1 place a extremely small place may I add. It was a great night out. You know when you have old friends together especially female friends the relationship conversation would come up. The lies, cheating, so on and so forth.  When having a convo with friends in 4 different relationship "paths" such as one who is married, one single like me, and one who is in a standard relationship you're bound to have a "debate". Not this night though we were enjoying Recess and having a Stress Free Friday. Talking with them made you get into the mentality of I'm a single woman who has reached an age that has me ready for my husband or a mate. Here we are sitting having conversations with 2 friends that are already "booed up" and they begin having couples chat. You single and in a relationship people can understand what I mean. The "Hey girl you, me, x, & y need to have dinner... yadda, yadda, yadda." Don't get me wrong I'm happy my girls have men that love them but having that chat while your single girls are around not cool... Not to mention it's annoying. Yes women especially black women get together we talk about men just like we talk about fashion, hair, fitness, and so many other things. But couples chat while you're sitting with single friends sometimes feels like a smack in the face. Don't sit in front of your single friends planning couples outings. I'm a person who believes that certain things that occur aren't right by any means and I have to address it  especially when it effects a friend. Especially if your relationship is based on devious behavior.... But that's a whole different blog at a later date. I am learning not to do that and let "sleeping dogs lie" as an older & much wiser woman told me once.

I was speaking with a very established woman in the entertainment industry for promotions in St. Louis, New York, Chicago, heck everywhere. I look up to her and admire her as a woman in business and life. We were talking about being in an relationship while in the industry. She told me that when she got started she was already married. So the stressors of  getting into a relationship really weren't there. The struggle of wondering if the guy that approached you to chat was wanting to chat with you and get to know you or looking for a way in & up wasn't a concern of hers. I have been surrounded by the industry for years and I made the choice to get involved. I went in with the mindset of I shall be single & have fun. Yes I dated & hung out with several men but not with the mindset of you're going to be my man. Well not until these past couple of years. Recently it dawned on me that my fear of being used kept me from allowing anybody in to be with me.... the real me. Men in the promotions/marketing game fail to realize that women have groupies too male & female groupies. Every event, concert, etc. I did was  on a low key tip, no one needed to know who I was or what I had to do with anything. Sitting in the background with my Blackberry, pointing my finger, and giving orders. All I did was work regular 9-5 in the day and nightlife 9-5. Running a nightclub, being a hospice nurse, a promoter, not to mention a mom, legal guardian, small socialite. I didn't have time nor the patience for sorting through whether or not a guy was genuinely into me.

Now I have changed my whole outlook on life. Maybe I'm getting older or just ready for a real mate. She told me that "the best advice that I can give is date outside of the industry". Hilarious thing, everyone that I meet has an connection to the industry. I look at my guy friend promoters/marketers, well those that are in a REAL relationships and they all have married or are dating outside professionals. They are very happy and the women that they are involved with understand the politics. Men on the other hand a whole other story. Case in point. My recent ex and I were out at a venue and I ran into a guy friend of mine who just happens to play pro football. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm a hugger, So I embraced him (not a full on embrace but a hug) and then turned to introduce my ex to him and who's face was twisted but he still spoke.  He seemed to be upset or jealous. As we were leaving the gentleman & I were saying our byes and followed up with "Shai you really need to come to one of my games" before I could say something my ex responded "We will"... Wow really are we jealous? Lets just say that ruined the rest of our night. Jealousy is something I don't do, especially not from a man.

Yeah I was all over the place mentally on Friday, I know one thing though in 2011 I hope that the LORD sends me an understanding man... My life and as you can see Friday Nights are just a wee bit complicated. lol

**Some photos were courtesy of bfreepaparazzi.com**

Too Comfortable

I read once that you shouldn't get too comfortable in anything especially relationships, "Someone is always waiting right there to take your place". Thats a very interesting statement. When I was younger I use to be the woman waiting to take someone's place. I had a mentality of "if he don't mind, then I don't care". I believe that is where a lot of my insecurities in relationships stem from. Why I can't trust a man because I've seen first hand what they are capable of. Having the girlfriend and the "boo" in the same room working his way back and forth because as long as everyone (myself & him) understands what is really going on then there shouldn't be any problems. Hell I use to get a rush out of being with the dude while his chick was there. Rubbing up on him and teasing him while she was across the room. Don't forget the "introduction" watching him squirm when she asks who I was. I played my role and my part. I was satisfied with everything that was going on between us. Sexing him and sending him home. Back then I didn't like sharing my bed when I was sleep. Every once in a while I'd slip up and wish he cold stay to keep me warm but ofcourse his cell would chime with her face or text and he'd have to leave. They say Karma is something else and I'm not sure what my payback would be. I never broke up a relationship or put it out there who I was dealing with and some of them are now married and yes THEY STILL CALL & TEXT ME...Telling me how much they miss me and wish I was still in their lives.

Now that I'm older and have been in my first "relationship". I sit back and watch others and how comfortable they are in them and laugh. I believe some women are content in be the "girlfriend/wifey" so regardless of what their guy is doing as long as they get what they wanted out of the relationship its all good. I can't be that type of woman, I can't be cool with that. Last year a guy I use to date texted me on Valentine's Day telling me how much he missed me and loved me so he wanted to make sure I knew it on the "day of love". That would of been nice if he wasn't in Chicago with his current girlfriend professing his love for her.

I guess the mentality of  you're single until you walk down the isle rings true to some. But not all... That's why so many men wind up on Cheaters and with busted windows, keyed cars, bleached clothes, & Snickers in their gas tanks. Because they love Raquel but sex Sheila. My latest relationship the knowledge that I have from being the other woman before stopped me from giving my all. I just gave him what he wanted versus what he needed. I never got comfortable much less too comfortable. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. Because of that I'm single now. I have asked for forgiveness for my past indiscretions and I shall proceed on working to be a better woman, lover, and friend. Especially now that I am praying for a successful relationship that I can be comfortable in... Just not too comfortable.