Precious Heartbreak, Heather's Story

1983
You, Heather Jelon Clark was born, my cousin, my best friend... Shortly to follow I came into this world. We grew up thick as thieves and because we were so close in age we bumped heads a lot. Its amazing what you remember when you lose someone you love. Someone that you made a promise to that no matter what happens we'll always be there for one another. Not sure what happened between us during our teenage years but we lost touch and became separated. You did your thing and I did mine. Even though you didn't live your life the best way, you did what you had to provide for your kids.

2006
You came to me needing a place to stay. Reminding me of the promise we made to each other so many years ago. Of course I am here for you and you're my family, I opened up my home. I remember a conversation we had one night and you said "I'm not going to be alone, I need someone in my life and I'm going to be without a man". Of course the logical person in me said that you need to focus on self and get yourself out of the rut that you're in and then think about a man. Not sure if you thought I was preaching but you got upset and moved out a week or so later.

2007
You became sick this year. This is the year the doctors called me, because I was your emergency contact and told me that you have leukemia & epilepsy. Your mom was by your side most of the year as was I. Doctor's visits and radiation treatments consumed us this year. Finally it became too much and you were checked into a care facility where you can receive 24 hour care. But you kept getting worse. I finally took you to a specialist and it was deemed you had HIV not leukemia or epilepsy and due to the radiation therapies you are in the acute stage of AIDS. You lost so much weight and got so many infections and was in so much pain. They couldn't do anything to save you or fix it. I began to believe that my being a hospice nurse was for you. To be there for you when they took you off of the medications and only gave you morphine for the pain. Everyday I sat by your side on the 13th floor in Barnes. Everyday I was there with you. Bringing our family and friends to visit. Until the day you said to me "I've made my peace and the Lord has forgiven me. I love you Shamelia". I knew I just knew it was your time to go and he was calling you home. We lost you that fall and I felt precious heartbreak.


2011
Every year I celebrate your birthday with your favorite meals whether its Red Lobster or my Fried Chicken, Southern Mac & Cheese, and Corn Bread. Happy 28th Birthday cousin I love you so much.

You never know when someone you love will lose their life. My cousin lost hers while in the search for love in all the wrong places... Chat lines and in the streets. She leaves behind a beautiful son & daughter that look just like her and has her personality. AIDS is real and is in our city. The person who gave it to her I'm sure has given it to someone else. Wrap it up and be safe because sometimes looking for something you feel you need can change your life forever.

Ex Factor?

After my last 2 postings "Struggle" & "Struggle Part Duex" I had to take some time to gather my thoughts especially with being single on Valentine's Day yet again. I had a nice V-Day though with my bestie and mini. Lately an ex from way back, I mean waaaaaay back in the day has popped up. One thing about coming across someone who you haven't seen in so many years is that you know how much you have grown since being with them. How different you are now than when you to were together. When we met I was a youngin' like 19 and he was of course older. Back then I was on a have fun basis. Like any and every relationships we had our ups and downs. But  I was about fun and excitement back then. I also was about business and a relationship didn't fit into the picture. I also have had contact with another ex that knew me back then as well.

Oh have I grown, lol. Now I can't wake up without thinking about a relationship and how I am ready to be in a relationship, settle down, and be a caker. One thing they have showed me is how I have grown as a person. Turned into the woman that I am now, its amazing. I had a thrill for motorcycles and late nights. Now my life consists of the highlight of my week is the latest reality show and Grey's Anatomy. Going out and getting out of the house is like a vacation. My days are full of spills, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and sing-a-longs. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade it for the world. Is it the age and getting older?

I talk to my friends and more than half of them are in relationships or married or getting ready to be married. Some are calling me for mommy advice because either have just had a baby or are about to. If I go out it has to be worth it or I feel like its not worth my time. Before I worked and have fun. now I work and work. Fun is next to nill right now. I need to get that back. Its amazing it takes talking to exes to remind me of that. I'm single and need to get out and meet other singles. That don't have an issue with kids (because I have 2), staying at home on a Saturday night and watch a good movie, ocassionally go out and have a good time at a local lounge. Don't get me wrong I still go out (sometimes), just not all of the time.

Struggle Part Duex

I have learned over my years of life and the many faces I've came across that I'm not alone in some of the experiences that I have had. One in particular that seems to stand out is rape and molestation. Yes its a VERY touchy subject that a lot of people refuse to share due feeling overly exposed. I feel that it should be shared and discuss. 80% of rapes are done by someone that the person who has been violated knows. 30% of those rapes are NEVER reported out of fear that the person who violated them will harm them again. 25% of those non reported occurrences are done by a relative.

When I was 3, I was placed into foster care for a brief moment... At the age of 3 I experienced my first molestation/rape by my foster parents. I remember I had to sleep in their room and couldn't leave. I was 1 of several kids that they had but I always slept in their room. When my mom got me back she took me to the doctor because I refused to let her wipe me or even touch me. She said every time she got close I'd push her away. She didn't find out until later that I had been molested and back then the birth mother couldn't find out who had a child because of any possible future incidents. So she wasn't able to press charges of any sorts and I had to just live with what happened to me. The doctors thought it would become a "suppressed memory" and I wouldn't remember when I got older.... But as you can see they were wrong.

That was the first of many incidents in which I was violated. Some came from relatives others was by family friends. This happens to so many women every day. I remember last year when For Colored Girls came out it was the talk of everyone I know. The of rape, molestations, and acts against women. It upset me a little because why did it have to take a black man to show what really happens to a woman? My belief is women are scared to fully let their voices be heard.  Heck people in general are scared to let their voices be heard and the real them to show. Our society is messed up now because everyone continues to have their heads in the sand. The youth today has endured the same struggles but are lashing out in a different way. I did what I had to make me feel better and for me was to focus on studies and get good grades. When I was at school it was like an escape for me. Even though I got talked about and picked on I was able to spend 6-7 hours learning and feeling okay about myself. I wanted to be an over achiever while remaining under the radar.

Its amazing when I look back at the experiences that I've had I haven't wound up worse. Suicide, alcoholism, drug-addict, prostitution anything of that nature is evident in women that have endured the struggles that I have. I have managed to over come and still move on. In our society its not an issue until a celebrity points it out. Well I'm not a celebrity, and its an issue that I'm pointing out.

I'm not writing these passages for sympathy of any kind. I'm writing these not only to show why I'm so complex as an individual and because I know there are many other women or men for that matter that have overcame the same issues as I have. To let them know they aren't alone. For those of you that may feel the need to judge me... Save it. I live and have lived my life the way I choose and don't care for your negative  comments or issues you may have.

This is the second of several passages to come... I am me. This is me.
*Shai*

Struggle

Its no secret that I have a checkered past. From the day that I was born until this day I have stood against tests of patience  and life. I know everyone has a story and everyone has been through something in their life. Not one person has it easier than the other. Atleast thats what they say. Ever since I was a young girl I've had struggle, I've went through things that no one or nothing should have to endure. I have done nothing but work to keep my head above the water line and struggle to stay a float. When I was younger I got placed into my aunts home for her to take care of us and she told me "its okay I know its been hard for you but you don't have to parent anymore its your time to be a kid." I was only 11 and didn't know exactly what "being a kid" was. Back then I began to put faith in the lord and do what was necessary to survive. Taking jobs and working after school whether it was baby sitting or working at Dairy Queen I knew in life you had to have money. At the age of 12 I got my first job and have been working ever since. Bounced in and out of foster care I was finally deemed an emmancipated adult at the age of 16. I still worked and went to school. I got made fun of constantly in junior and high school because I didn't have the latest sneaker Polo or Nautica fit. I didn't have my hair done on a regular or anything along those lines. I stayed to myself because I didn't fit in. I remember when I was 12 I got my first pair of name brand anything and you wouldn't believe where they came from.... The Dumpster in the back. They were Princess Reeboks I wore those shoes until they had a whole in the bottom. I still pushed myself to do what I had to to get where I need to be for me.

Now being a "adult" at 16 had its good things as well as its bad. Good thing: I could do whatever I wanted and did have to answer to anyone... Bad Thing: I did whatever I wanted and didn't answer to anyone. I've slept on bus stops & old abandoned houses all while making sure I made it to school EVERYDAY to make sure I graduated. When I was 17 I discovered I was pregnant with my oldest son. First thing that went through my mind was "abortion". I mean I have sex once with someone and I pop up pregnant... REALLY? I went back and forth then having  a strong family that wasn't my blood hold my hand through the whole ordeal. My school officials and son's father helped me through and I managed to graduate, extremely pregnant but I graduated. I then continued to go to school and work. Massage Therapy School... Night courses at Webster while working at Wal-Mart... Nursing Courses... I have never stayed in one place too long to call a place "home" and I continued this throughout my life. Running nightclubs, promo's for radio, managing artists, so on and so farth. One thing was sure I worked as everyone has to.

Life has changed for me since I was 22 I've stayed with friends and then had another child. I made a vow with my cousin who is now deceased when we were 13 that no matter what our children would not have to suffer like we did. Not know where their next meal will come from or have holes at the bottom of their shoes. I still live this creed to this day. I believe thats the reason why I'm so tired. Living 2-3 different lives in one day & more in 1 life. Some people talk down about me, diss me, and talk real crazy about me. Some I use to call friends, some I use to believe I could trust. But its okay I don't judge them because they don't know me, they don't know who I really am or where I've been. They don't know what I've endured or why I am the way that I am. So I'm not mad or upset by it.

Everyone has a story and this is part 1 of mine

*Shai*

Road Map... Always Someones Speed Bump

Its no secret I come from a checkered past. The epitome of the colored girl trying to make it out of her neighborhood and build something for herself. Maybe that's where I went wrong. Focusing on having the things that I didn't have as a child. Making sure that my kids didn't have to go through what I went through as a child. Being 27 and not doing a committed relationship at all but having 2 children doesn't add up. But that's a whole completely different blog in itself.

I have learned my pattern, I have learned where I continue to go wrong what is the common denominator in the ending of my recent relationships. Its amazing because a lot of the gentlemen that I recently dated have became friends of mine. The main reason they say we "ended" was because I was too pushy. When I asked why they believe that one stated "because Shai we were having fun and you popped up asking what were we doing." So me asking after dating for 6 months exactly where we were and what was our current standing, I was too pushy?  What is the appropriate way to find out where a dating "friendship" is heading just for clarity? I reached out to several of friends and brothers and they told me "men like for the next step to be their idea". Understandable to a certain point. Its no secret that men like to have control but why is it too pushy to ask?

SO technically I have lost 2 possible relationships because I was too pushy. Now on to the title "Road Map... Always Someones Speed Bump", I pretty sure you're trying to figure out why I named it that. Each of these gentlemen just after ending our "courtship" immediately wound up in a full on public relationship with other women. I say public because pictures popped up on social networking sites as well as "relationship status" changes so on and so forth. Its amazing because you sit back and think to yourself where did I go wrong and what did I do? I asked one of them and their response "she went with the flow of things and never questioned what we were doing or pressed the issue. She was a "safe" choice." Safe... Really she was safe? What was I dangerous? Yet in still they press the issue of "how good we could of been together if I hadn't of proposed the question" matter of fact one of the 2 even told me "we probably would of been engaged"... HMM. Food for thought: At the end of the day you're still calling me and flirting.

That's why I have these 2 phrases:
Always someones speed bump to happiness...
Never a bride... Always a mistress.

Hope you've enjoyed this read I some you have been waiting a long time. lol